Insert standard disclaimers here. Completely for non-profit. All characters except the ones I create are owned by Takahashi-sama and Co.


Bad Boys

"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you. . . " Cops in Japan. . . (credits rolling, showing Tokyo police breaking up fights in bars, violence on the streets, and a short clip of a familiar looking man with a pigtail with a familiar looking women holding a piano above her head)

[commercials]

[Cops comes back on with the Tokyo policemen answering a domestic call and pulling up to a dojo]

Cop: You really hate these calls, they are the worse of the bunch. Someone’s always hurtin someone, and there ain’t much you can do about it. Husbands mistreaten their wives and the other way around, babies unbathed and screamed. It breaks your heart. And this couple we’ve gotten calls on before. Always fighting; never doing any damage, but they gotta know it’s not good to be fighting like this.

[The squad car pulls up to the dojo and you can hear screaming and shouting all the way from the car. A woman chases a young man outside the patio to the koi pond with a huge mallet in her hands. "Ranma!! What do you mean you forgot to get tofu??!!"

Cop: This is not good, these damn domestics.

Ranma: I SAVED us from poisoning by not getting tofu so you could make your ‘Akane Surprise’! We all know your surprise: a night in the emergency room!" [Ranma runs then slips into the koi pond. SPLASH and up emerges and young red-headed buxom woman.] "Chikusho, Akane!!"

[The cop runs up to the pond and helps the young woman out. He wisks out a teapot and pours steaming water on her head.]

Cop: Saotome-san, you know I hate coming out here, and you two know better than to fight like this." [All the while, the camera is filming the action and you hear a sudden gasp from the cameraman]

Ranma: Yeah, yeah, I know, but, [Ranma leans in to whisper] do you blame me having to eat Akane’s cooking day in and day out? Besides, we never fight when the children are around.

[The cop turns around to talk to Akane and tells Ranma to stand back. He speaks to the camera] Cop: This couple is always like this. At least with them they never hurt each other, although we can’t figure out how they don’t. She’s always chasing him around with large objects, and he’s up in a tree or walking the fence, insulting her and making her madder. Oh well, to each their own way of loving. [The cop turns to Akane] Now Saotome-san, put down the mallet and lets talk over here.

[Akane drops the mallet and walks over to the porch]

Akane: Ranma started it, he was making fun of my cooking all night long!! I am sorry about this, but he makes me so mad when he teases me like this. We really rarely do fight, at least compared to when we were teenagers.

Cop: Yes, you’ve told me so, but one of these days you two really are going to hurt each other. I know you two are experts in martial arts, but you could slip. Not to mention you are disturbing the peace. One day, we’re gonna have to press charges against one of you, either for domestic violence or disturbing the peace.

[Akane looks down and tears are falling.]

Cop: Now, now, no harm done again, but you know I hate comin out here on calls like this...

Akane: I’m sorry, it’s just he makes me so MAD sometimes.

Cop: Yes, I know. So, Saotome-san said the kids are not home tonight?

Akane [nods]: They are at my sister’s visiting.

Cop: Ahh good. Just please don’t fight in front of them.

Akane [shakes her head]: Of course not.

[Ranma, walks over, making faces at Akane]

Akane: You see what I have to put up with?

Cop [sigh]: Just don’t start fighting again, Saotome-san.

Cop leaves and addresses the camera]

Cop: This wasn’t a bad fight tonight. Not that I really blame him for worrying about her cooking. She’s infamous for her bad cooking. Two years ago, she burnt down a part of the park when she tried grilling. But he pushes her too far. Can you believe they’ve been married for fifteen years?

"Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you. . . " Cops in Japan. . .


This is my first attempt at a script fic.

Comments and Criticism welcome! Contact me at elee@student.law.du.edu

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